Mother’s Day

I told Sam a few days back I wish it wasn’t Mothers Day weekend because I don’t feel like celebrating. It was one of those weeks where everything felt heavy and hard and I would’ve given myself a C minus in mothering. I actually feel like I’m giving full effort but there’s just all these surfacing disappointments and unmet expectations that have me in a funk. I’m sure many can relate, those layered emotions of motherhood. When we don’t take a look at those percolating feelings and instead stuff them down and keep hustling along at the pace the world sets for us bad things tend to happen. I feel like I keep learning the same lesson because it just goes against our nature to let go of control and fully trust Him. God wants to be in it WITH us. I know it in theory, but it can be so hard to recognize when we’re becoming numb and putting up walls so we don’t have to face the one who knows all the intricacies of our heart. When we name our pain and invite Him in, something shifts. I don’t know how He does it, but He does every time!

So in transparency I sat down with my journal and listed the hard stuff…I’m feeling discouraged praying for babies in my womb the last 6 years and not seeing those prayers answered. I’m really bummed that our foster license had to be on hold right when we almost finished the process while Sam finds steady work again. I’m weary from carrying my child’s trauma and wondering if she’s going to be ok, if I’m doing a good enough job being her Mom. I’ve been answering such hard questions about her story- the ones I’ve been dreading since she was born but knew would come, a story I didn’t expect or sometimes want. I’m frustrated by the behaviors and meltdowns that seem to be so intense sometimes I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes on mother’s day I cry over her birth Mom and all the complicated layers of adoption just explode out over me. I also miss Jordan and being a boy Mama and I just kinda wish the world wasn’t so chalked full of ache. I wish that Motherhood felt lighter to me and not so confusing.

These things are all my current reality- and I’m sure you have your own set of painful circumstances to bare too. The intermingling of the beautiful and hard, but the hard seems to take the spotlight if we don’t fight for the tension. When I choose to slow my mind and breathe- to invite His presence and ask for His perspective-my heart softens to His healing. It doesn’t make all this hard stuff untrue, but it opens me up to receive the rest of the truth. The one He went to the grave for us to embody. He triumphed over death and breathes His resurrection life over the places that feel hopeless and barren. It’s His specialty.

The whole truth is He has answered hundreds of prayers and done so many miracles in my life even if it looks different than I thought it would. He’s given me beautiful babies to love and a story of redemption that is the honor of my life to walk out. He has shown me parts of His heart I would have never known if my life went differently. In our surrender, through our tears and our “I really don’t get this God”, He holds us and gives us more of Himself. He can handle your grief from a hard childhood, from sickness, from marriage problems, wayward children, and long unanswered prayers.

If Motherhood makes you feel more sad than joyful this year- if it brings up old wounds or loss- you are not alone friend. The enemy wants us to think we are, that our pain is isolated. But you are seen and loved and He is truly enough. May God touch those tender places in your heart and give you His love and nearness in abundance this year. He is in the details and He knows. It says in the word that He intercedes for us when we ache, and he turns our mourning into joy! That’s a pretty beautiful promise.