Some closure

A couple weeks ago Jordan’s case came to a sudden close. It didn’t happen anything like I imagined- there was no trial, no testifying, no public hearings. I found out over Facebook news just going about my day. Charisse pleaded guilty and got fifty years in prison. Just like that something I’ve been dreading for over two years came to an abrupt end. The photos and footage were on every local station. It’s hard to explain the pain we’ve repeatedly felt from the media. They share articles that feel so deeply personal- reporters always wanting to be first to give the juicy details. I don’t blame them really, it’s their job and people crave a good story. But to me, this is not just the top news article in Pinellas County- this is our life and trauma that has been dragging on in the public eye. Every time something is released we are triggered, forced to relive that week. Everyone wants to talk about it, feel involved and equally distressed. But it’s difficult for me to engage in those conversations because the layers are far too complex to explain. 

My first wave of emotion was sadness, which won’t make sense to many. I felt so overcome with grief that this is how the story unfolded- for her, for Jordan, for their family, for us. What she did was so deeply wrong and horrible- no sentence could ever make up for the life she took no matter what contributing factors there may be. There are consequences for our actions and she will live with that- but to me, it doesn’t matter if it’s fifty years or a life sentence. I don’t believe there will be true “justice for Jordan” on this side of heaven as much as the community longs for that. It’s natural to be outraged by injustice, especially towards the vulnerable and innocent. But we are all sinners capable of making grievous mistakes in our own selfishness and hurt. 

I am relieved and grateful that we don’t have to endure a trial. There is a sense of closure now that I didn’t expect to happen. I read so many comments online of those ready to throw stones and pour out their hatred and rage on this woman. I will not allow myself to go there. I’ve been through every emotion and you better believe anger was there. But God is teaching me about His justice and mercy, and how we can’t have one without the other. I won’t sugarcoat this process, it’s been painfully hard and I was often unwilling or just preferred to be numb. I won’t go into all the details because they are for God and I, but its involved lots of tears and sleepless nights. I knew I couldn’t stay in that place and needed a miracle on my heart. I needed it for my husband, for my girls. To be able to stay tender towards people and continue to love. So I could walk with the Lord again fully surrendered and able to worship. He is the only one who can soften the most hardened heart and transform us to be like Him. I’m still very much in process and things hurt but I will not go backwards. 

He will one day right every wrong and restore this broken world to order. It’s glorious to imagine that when all we see is ache around us. The Father desires all of His kids to come back to Him no matter how far gone we think they are or what we think they deserve. We don’t get to be the judge. Right now people are lost and in darkness and we see the effects of our free will and doing life apart from Him. His ways are so much higher than mine and I don’t even try to understand it all. But I do know one thing for certain, I will not join her in a prison of my own making. I will refuse bitterness, unforgiveness and hatred because God has shown me so much grace and love. I know what it means to be free and healed. I pray that for her too even though it goes against my flesh. When my heart is broken and I feel like I can’t move forward I come to Him and ask for help. I know I will have to do it a thousand times but I will keep coming, inching along because Jesus is worth it.