Motherhood

Motherhood has been the most sanctifying journey I have ever walked through. It’s been joy and grief colliding at every corner. Threads of love and loss tangled together weaving a tapestry so complex I can’t look away because God is there- pulling and re-threading the parts I thought were hopeless. 
I always wanted to be Mom since I was a little girl. I didn’t have big career plans or goals- but I loved Gods design of family and I knew I desired that. It didn’t come easily like I imagined. I thought I would pop out four kids by the time I was 30 and live the dream. But it didn’t happen quickly- there was a waiting and a delay. I didn’t understand it and it was painful but it pushed me to press into the Lord and wrestle through the hard questions. He was patient and didn’t pry my fingers that were grasping so hard onto temporary things and the idol of control. He invited me into His story if I would loosen my grip and trust that He had good plans for me. I’m so thankful he stirred my heart for foster care and adoption. That it wasn’t my plan B. It became my heart’s passion and I felt excited to jump in whether or not I was able to get pregnant. I knew I could be a mother no matter which way it came. 
Turns out we had both at once and Motherhood began for me in my yes to Foster care. Pregnant and doing respite care- I felt like maybe I had found my calling. 
After my daughter was born we took in a baby boy long term. They were 2 months apart and it was exhausting- like unconventional twins. We had no clue what we were doing as brand new parents but we felt Gods nearness and couldn’t quit even when we wanted to. I had no idea the things God was stirring in my heart- the way he expanded it and stretched it as I learned to love a child that wasn’t my own. To hold loosely and tightly simultaneously. To see sin and brokeness up close and have it invade my home and my comfort levels. 
To get to know his bio Mom and try to love and support her knowing the goal of fostering is to restore families. 

He left our home after almost two years of us being a family- it felt absolutely terrifying to say goodbye. The whole thing was unnatural. There were so many mixed emotions of sorrow and joy. 
Little did I know I would be saying another goodbye so soon. I could have never prepared myself for the storm coming. When he died I couldn’t breathe. I felt gutted- betrayed on every level. I didn’t want this story anymore. The pain and grief was too much to bare. It still is.
But the story wasn’t over. His mom was pregnant at the time of her arrest and we knew very quickly we were not done. God moved mountains to get that baby girl to us. It was the only thing I was sure of in that season- my moment of clarity. Every ounce of strength I had left was dedicated to bring our daughter home. 
On the heels of the most horrific tragedy of my life- came a blessing and deep joy. The epitome of beauty from ashes. I wondered why the story got so much attention and why everyone seemed so interested- I was trying to be private, trying to process and I didn’t need people holding their breath to see what would happen next. But I can see now, people are just looking for hope. This story is not only mine, God is the Redeemer. I’ve seen a hundred miracles big and small right in front of my eyes in the last year. I never imagined a major agent of my healing and processing would come from the person who caused the most extreme pain to our family. We are forever connected. And that is a hard truth to swallow. I could never dive into the depths of hatred because I have this child who deserves to one day hear her story through a lens of love and truth. My own heart is not big enough or brave enough- but the heart of the Father is! He will one day make everything right and wipe away every tear. For now, on this side of heaven, we tap into His resources and beg for supernatural forgiveness and grace to not be paralyzed by our offenses and pain.
I’ve had the privilege of loving three beautiful babies- two of which did not come from my womb. Those of you wondering if you can love a child you didn’t birth as much as one you did- the answer is profoundly yes. The depth of love that comes from choosing, fighting and advocating is as strong as blood. 
I’ve learned more about the gospel in these few long years than the rest of my life. And I know I’ve only just begun.
Some days I feel like Motherhood has brought me so much ache, so much hard. But I know more accurately it’s brought me love and purpose- it’s made life rich and it’s brought me to the end of myself and to more of the Lord. He has been so near and present every step of my journey. I know I have more babies to love however they come to me and I want to see them all as a precious gift. 

Happy Mother’s Day to all the beautiful Mamas out there❤️